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I took that photo this morning. I plan on using it my FB account once we go public. That's not for another 7 weeks though, but the plan is in place. ;)I have been feeling pretty good. I am s.t.a.r.v.i.n.g. all the stinking time, but otherwise good. TJ told me the hunger is all in my head, and I tried to stop eating like a pig but it didn't help. It is not in my head, I am not crazy, I swear. I think the issue is the food I'm eating isn't very filling, I've been trying eat healthy snacks (fruit cups, etc.) and then I'm hungry again. So, I'm going to buy some cheese, and mini bagels, and see if that helps.Because of the lack of bad I was starting to worry (ugh, yes, I'm one of them!!). I bought another box of HPT's (the one I took last weekend was the last one in our house). When I brought it home TJ looked at me like I was nuts, and then asked if I'd been secretly peeing on one each day. I haven't quite gotten there. . .yet. But, the lack of spotting had me thinking just mayyyyyybe I had my O date off and the positive was a false positive. (Yes, I know, that's not very likely).So, POAS again this morning and, well, obviously we have the top picture. I told him my goal is to make it until February 12th without spotting, that will be the same point my m/c happened in my first pregnancy. He told me, very sensibly, that I shouldn't worry because I can't control it. Relax. Yeah, right.I'm doing pretty good taking it a day at a time. I am encouraged more and more each day that passes without spotting. My first appointment is scheduled for February 26th. I will be nearly 8 weeks at that point and crossing everything that they might do an u/s to ease my mind. We shall see, like I said, one day at a time. Baby steps!
What a week. It has been an emotionally exhausting week due to work stress. I assumed that I had started cycle 15 on Thursday due to some red flow that morning. I expected it, I knew that I was going to start that day thanks to the joys of charting. Any time I start a new cycle I am a pill for no other reason than it bums me out to be starting another cycle. So, I made homemade lasagna for dinner Thursday night and TJ and I shared a bottle of wine.
Friday was a very emotional day at work. I had my annual review with my boss, and it was tough to hear the true things about myself (the bad true things, the awesome true things rocked!). Overall it was a very good review, but the bad parts were very honest and I was disappointed in myself for falling short. I also had an emotionally charged coaching session with one of my staff members. It was a very productive but draining day to say the least, I set out to drink myself silly when I got home and nearly polished off a bottle of wine on my own.
I was feeling great (read: drunk as a skunk), so TJ and I got a little, ahem, frisky. I had noticed that since Thursday I hadn’t started a real period, there was some spotting here and there, but nothing major. After TJ and I were finished I figured that it would trigger the flood gates and I’d really start. Nope. So, I shrugged it off and went to bed. Woke up this morning and Aunt Flo is still hiding. I told TJ after I had used the bathroom that I might need to pee on a stick tomorrow morning. I just got home from work (did you really think I could wait until tomorrow??), peed on a stick (a digital) and what should appear??? Yep, you guessed it, "Pregnant." Again. So: Dear Universe, if you are effing with my head I will kick your ass!!I feel like a broken record on here now, Fertility Friend has my new due date as 10/3 and puts me at 3w6d by O date, or 4w2d by LMP. So, third time is a charm? I sure as hell hope so!
Yesterday was my doctor’s appointment. I’m a little bummed to say that I didn’t get any answers, but I at least have a outline of the direction we are heading within the next few months.
I’ve been seeing the ARNP at my doctors office for the past 6 years and with my first MC I saw my old OB/GYN’s partner. So when my doctor came in the room she went over my history, and then asked what I was in to see her for. She could see from my charts that I had a MC back in September and chemical pregnancy in December (I’m not convinced it was a CP due to the massive cramping/bleeding I had afterwards, but whatever). I explained to her that TJ and I had been trying since November, 2008 and I was to the point where I’m starting to want some answers.
She was very kind and didn’t give me false hope, or answers in which she didn’t really know the answer. She said that she doesn’t deal with fertility that much, and if I wanted to get a better idea of what could be wrong (or right – glass half full here!) then I should see a fertility doctor. That made my heart sink, I went in thinking that she could do some sort of testing and that I could avoid going to an RE. I’m not to the point where I think we need an RE yet.
She looked over my charts a bit and said that it is a little worrisome that I ovulate late and have a short LP, plus the spotting prior to starting my period. She explained that she could put me on Progesterone or Clomid if I wanted her to, but I don’t just want to take drugs and hope that it’s the hail Mary which will win the game. I want to get tests done to make sure I’m not screwing myself up more by taking unnecessary medication. She said there are test that could be run, but there isn’t much she could do with them and they would probably have to be run by an RE again if we did end up having problems.
I was glad that she felt like we still have a good chance of this on our own. She said that a couple is considered infertile after a year of trying without success (which I already knew). She also said that since I was able to get pregnant within that year window we wouldn’t be considered infertile, which I was hoping. She stated that they don’t typically test for recurrent miscarriages until 3. . .so, one more try.
My doctor gave me a few recommendations, she said that we could pursue an RE right away, we can keep trying on our own and see an RE in a few months, or we can keep trying and if my next pregnancy ends up in another MC we should see an RE right away.
When TJ got home from work we talked about where we should go. I would, of course, like to get this thing rolling, but TJ is more hesitant to get poked and prodded. He’s also worried about the costs, since my insurance has zero coverage we’d have to pay for the fertility testing. He’s slow at work right now and he’d like not to have to dip into savings to pay for testing, and if needed, procedures.
So, what’s next? We are waiting until March/April. If I’m unable to get pregnant before then we’ll call the RE. If I get pregnant but have another MC before then we’ll call the RE right away instead of waiting. If I get knocked up, hallelujah!! Pray, please. :)
I have big plans for 2010. As far as I am concerned, 2009 can suck my big toe. I’m setting big goals and I have big dreams for 2010. Here is a rundown of my goals for 2010. I’m hoping to add additional goals as the year goes by, and as I achieve the goals I’m setting initially.
My big goal is to look like that --------> again. Which will require a lot of dedication and follow through on my part. The sad part of it all? That was only 3 years ago. Three years and 35 pounds ago. To achieve my goal I plan on starting running again. When that photo was taken I was running 4-5 miles 3-4 times a week. I plan on starting slow and running 2 miles 3 times a week through January. We’ll see how I feel in February. My goal for 2010 is to lose those 35 pounds, and maybe more, we’ll see.
The next big goal is savings. I’ve always been a saver, I feel like it’s very important to have some sort of back up money in savings in case of an emergency. I started laddering CD’s a few years ago so that we have one a month, my goal now is to open a money market account. For 2010 I’d like to put $200 a paycheck away into savings and hopefully have $5,200 at the end of the year. That will get us half way to a money market account. It will also help us curb or stupid spending habits (we are very bad a buying stupid things when we should just save the extra we have).
TJ’s favorite goal of mine is to declutter the house. I sadly collect a lot of clutter and have a hard time parting with it. If you call me a pack rat I might cry. My neighbor is a pack rat. You literally cannot walk in her house without walking down a trail lined with shit. I, however, just keep random things. Our house is usually generally clean, though that is part of my goal for 2010. TJ and I are going to do a New Year’s cleaning tomorrow, and take crap to the dump, take clothes to Good Will, and get rid of the excess baggage we have. My goal for 2010 is to make Sunday (my consistent day off of work), a laundry and cleaning day. If I keep up with it then it won’t get out of hand. Hopefully.
The minor goal I’d like to set is to make a meal plan and buy groceries according to the plan every two weeks. I think this will really help with our bad eating habits (see first goal, lol), and curb spending too. I’m a good cook when I cook, I just need to get on the ball and do it more. I’m hoping to try a new recipe every month.
My fun goal for 2010 is to take a picture a day. My mom bought me a kick ass DSLR camera for Christmas 2008. It rocks, but I’m not good with it yet because it is overwhelming. I’d like to figure it out in 2010 by using it daily. I plan on documenting it in my resolution blog, along with the progess of my other goals.
The goal which is out of my hands is baby related. I want to get pregnant in 2010, and no matter how much I want it I cannot control what happens with my body. So, I’m just going to pray about this one.
Happy New Year!!!!!
I guess in life you have to take the good with the bad. Christmas, and this past weekend was for the most part very, very good. I have been crowned the best wife ever by my husband because I was able to successfully keep his Christmas present a secret. Also because it is the best damn Christmas present ever.
He has been wanting a quad for God knows how long. We spent Christmas in Bremerton with my family this year, so I arranged to buy one and have it delivered to my Grandmas so it would be there for him on Christmas. Two secret trips to Bremerton and over 2 months of keeping the biggest secret I’ve ever kept and we are now the proud owners of a 2010 Can-Am Outlander Max 800R EFI XT-P (it looks exactly like the picture). TJ almost cried, I kid you not. It was the best Christmas I have ever had because of how stinking happy he was. We spent Saturday and Sunday at his dad’s house (he lives on acreage) riding around the trails on his property.
The bad, Saturday morning I went to the lab to have a follow up blood draw. They lost the lab slip my doctor faxed over. I stood there at the window and I was patient and smiled and flirted with the baby who’s mom was behind me in line. Finally after about 5-10 minutes they said they’d call the on-call doctor from my doctor’s office to get another lab slip. The on-call doctor didn’t know me, so the lady at the lab said, “They need to know why you are having your blood drawn.”
I almost shut down. My face went blank and I said, “I’m having a miscarriage.” And then the waterworks started. The three ladies behind the counter we all obviously not prepared for me to cry. They handed me a blank lab slip and asked me to fill out my name, etc. and then they handed me a box of tissues. I apologized for crying and one of them said she had been through it too, so it was OK. I feel like such a jerk now, I said, “This is my second.” I didn’t say what I should have. I should have sympathized with her also and told her I’m sorry, that nobody should have to go through this. In the moment though I was just so mad that they had lost my slip (the tech who drew my blood on Wednesday didn’t make a copy for Saturday). Now I feel bad though, so, nice lady who works at the lab on Pacific: I’m also sorry for your loss.
My second mistake this weekend was Sunday. I run on our treadmill in the garage. I have a TV set up in there where I watch Sex and the City on DVD (thanks to my awesome husband). I usually read the episode description before turning it on, but on Sunday I had already started jogging and skipped reading and just hit play. It was the episode where Charlotte and Harry get pregnant and then she loses the baby. It was the worst two miles I’ve ever run. Did I think to shut the damn TV off? No. I just kept watching, and crying. I bet I was quite the sight to see.
My bloodwork from Saturday came back with a hCG level of 2, so it is for sure over. I’m ready to have my appointment on the 18th and to make some progress on trying to have a baby. Hopefully next time there won’t be any bad with my good.
I am going to apologize ahead of time for my super shitty attitude (and the swearing, but, I do sometimes have the mouth of a sailor).
So, it appears that the time is right to write the blog I was talking about the other day. I went in for a blood draw to check my hormone levels yesterday as the bleeding had definitely increased. A call back from the nurse puts me at 14 hCG, which really sucks. The nurse believes that the baby wasn’t able to implant, which is also what I think. In simple terms: Miscarriage: 2. Jen: 0. Isn’t that some shit?
In the words of those who, I believe, are just trying to help: The timing wasn’t right. Whatever that means. I am absolutely pissed off today. Last time I spent three solid days crying my eyes out. TJ asked me, with a very grave look on his face, if I was going to be OK. I honestly at that time didn’t know if I would be OK. This time around I don’t feel like crying. I feel like kicking someone. But, there isn’t anyone to kick or blame. Which sucks. Like I said, I’m just pissed off.
I’m going back in on Saturday for another blood draw, just to ensure my hormone levels have hit the floor again. I don’t doubt that they will. My first appointment, January 18th, has been changed to a “Why-the-hell-am-I-not-pregnant” appointment. At that point TJ and I will have been trying for 14 months.
It has now taken 13 months and I still have not achieved a viable pregnancy. Many people have told me that it will happen when the time is right. While I know they mean it to be helpful, it isn’t. Why do you think the time isn’t right for me? Why is the time right for a young teenage mother? Or a crackhead? Or a woman who doesn’t even want a baby? What is so wrong with me that the time is wrong? What is so wrong with me that I don’t deserve to have a baby at this time? I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 2 ½ years. We have owned a home with a nice backyard and two extra rooms for babies for the past 4 ½ years. I have been at my job for 6 and TJ for 7. We are stable. We make great money. We can afford a baby, and we would love that baby more than I think is humanly possible. So, tell me, why is it that the time isn’t right? Is God trying to teach me a lesson in patients? I’m sorry, but this is a super shitty way to learn a lesson.
So, if you know someone who is trying to conceive: I recommend just sympathizing with them. Don’t tell them that “when the time is right” it will happen. You may mean no harm, but it hurts like hell.
