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I have big plans for 2010. As far as I am concerned, 2009 can suck my big toe. I’m setting big goals and I have big dreams for 2010. Here is a rundown of my goals for 2010. I’m hoping to add additional goals as the year goes by, and as I achieve the goals I’m setting initially.
My big goal is to look like that --------> again. Which will require a lot of dedication and follow through on my part. The sad part of it all? That was only 3 years ago. Three years and 35 pounds ago. To achieve my goal I plan on starting running again. When that photo was taken I was running 4-5 miles 3-4 times a week. I plan on starting slow and running 2 miles 3 times a week through January. We’ll see how I feel in February. My goal for 2010 is to lose those 35 pounds, and maybe more, we’ll see.
The next big goal is savings. I’ve always been a saver, I feel like it’s very important to have some sort of back up money in savings in case of an emergency. I started laddering CD’s a few years ago so that we have one a month, my goal now is to open a money market account. For 2010 I’d like to put $200 a paycheck away into savings and hopefully have $5,200 at the end of the year. That will get us half way to a money market account. It will also help us curb or stupid spending habits (we are very bad a buying stupid things when we should just save the extra we have).
TJ’s favorite goal of mine is to declutter the house. I sadly collect a lot of clutter and have a hard time parting with it. If you call me a pack rat I might cry. My neighbor is a pack rat. You literally cannot walk in her house without walking down a trail lined with shit. I, however, just keep random things. Our house is usually generally clean, though that is part of my goal for 2010. TJ and I are going to do a New Year’s cleaning tomorrow, and take crap to the dump, take clothes to Good Will, and get rid of the excess baggage we have. My goal for 2010 is to make Sunday (my consistent day off of work), a laundry and cleaning day. If I keep up with it then it won’t get out of hand. Hopefully.
The minor goal I’d like to set is to make a meal plan and buy groceries according to the plan every two weeks. I think this will really help with our bad eating habits (see first goal, lol), and curb spending too. I’m a good cook when I cook, I just need to get on the ball and do it more. I’m hoping to try a new recipe every month.
My fun goal for 2010 is to take a picture a day. My mom bought me a kick ass DSLR camera for Christmas 2008. It rocks, but I’m not good with it yet because it is overwhelming. I’d like to figure it out in 2010 by using it daily. I plan on documenting it in my resolution blog, along with the progess of my other goals.
The goal which is out of my hands is baby related. I want to get pregnant in 2010, and no matter how much I want it I cannot control what happens with my body. So, I’m just going to pray about this one.
Happy New Year!!!!!
I guess in life you have to take the good with the bad. Christmas, and this past weekend was for the most part very, very good. I have been crowned the best wife ever by my husband because I was able to successfully keep his Christmas present a secret. Also because it is the best damn Christmas present ever.
He has been wanting a quad for God knows how long. We spent Christmas in Bremerton with my family this year, so I arranged to buy one and have it delivered to my Grandmas so it would be there for him on Christmas. Two secret trips to Bremerton and over 2 months of keeping the biggest secret I’ve ever kept and we are now the proud owners of a 2010 Can-Am Outlander Max 800R EFI XT-P (it looks exactly like the picture). TJ almost cried, I kid you not. It was the best Christmas I have ever had because of how stinking happy he was. We spent Saturday and Sunday at his dad’s house (he lives on acreage) riding around the trails on his property.
The bad, Saturday morning I went to the lab to have a follow up blood draw. They lost the lab slip my doctor faxed over. I stood there at the window and I was patient and smiled and flirted with the baby who’s mom was behind me in line. Finally after about 5-10 minutes they said they’d call the on-call doctor from my doctor’s office to get another lab slip. The on-call doctor didn’t know me, so the lady at the lab said, “They need to know why you are having your blood drawn.”
I almost shut down. My face went blank and I said, “I’m having a miscarriage.” And then the waterworks started. The three ladies behind the counter we all obviously not prepared for me to cry. They handed me a blank lab slip and asked me to fill out my name, etc. and then they handed me a box of tissues. I apologized for crying and one of them said she had been through it too, so it was OK. I feel like such a jerk now, I said, “This is my second.” I didn’t say what I should have. I should have sympathized with her also and told her I’m sorry, that nobody should have to go through this. In the moment though I was just so mad that they had lost my slip (the tech who drew my blood on Wednesday didn’t make a copy for Saturday). Now I feel bad though, so, nice lady who works at the lab on Pacific: I’m also sorry for your loss.
My second mistake this weekend was Sunday. I run on our treadmill in the garage. I have a TV set up in there where I watch Sex and the City on DVD (thanks to my awesome husband). I usually read the episode description before turning it on, but on Sunday I had already started jogging and skipped reading and just hit play. It was the episode where Charlotte and Harry get pregnant and then she loses the baby. It was the worst two miles I’ve ever run. Did I think to shut the damn TV off? No. I just kept watching, and crying. I bet I was quite the sight to see.
My bloodwork from Saturday came back with a hCG level of 2, so it is for sure over. I’m ready to have my appointment on the 18th and to make some progress on trying to have a baby. Hopefully next time there won’t be any bad with my good.
I am going to apologize ahead of time for my super shitty attitude (and the swearing, but, I do sometimes have the mouth of a sailor).
So, it appears that the time is right to write the blog I was talking about the other day. I went in for a blood draw to check my hormone levels yesterday as the bleeding had definitely increased. A call back from the nurse puts me at 14 hCG, which really sucks. The nurse believes that the baby wasn’t able to implant, which is also what I think. In simple terms: Miscarriage: 2. Jen: 0. Isn’t that some shit?
In the words of those who, I believe, are just trying to help: The timing wasn’t right. Whatever that means. I am absolutely pissed off today. Last time I spent three solid days crying my eyes out. TJ asked me, with a very grave look on his face, if I was going to be OK. I honestly at that time didn’t know if I would be OK. This time around I don’t feel like crying. I feel like kicking someone. But, there isn’t anyone to kick or blame. Which sucks. Like I said, I’m just pissed off.
I’m going back in on Saturday for another blood draw, just to ensure my hormone levels have hit the floor again. I don’t doubt that they will. My first appointment, January 18th, has been changed to a “Why-the-hell-am-I-not-pregnant” appointment. At that point TJ and I will have been trying for 14 months.
It has now taken 13 months and I still have not achieved a viable pregnancy. Many people have told me that it will happen when the time is right. While I know they mean it to be helpful, it isn’t. Why do you think the time isn’t right for me? Why is the time right for a young teenage mother? Or a crackhead? Or a woman who doesn’t even want a baby? What is so wrong with me that the time is wrong? What is so wrong with me that I don’t deserve to have a baby at this time? I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 2 ½ years. We have owned a home with a nice backyard and two extra rooms for babies for the past 4 ½ years. I have been at my job for 6 and TJ for 7. We are stable. We make great money. We can afford a baby, and we would love that baby more than I think is humanly possible. So, tell me, why is it that the time isn’t right? Is God trying to teach me a lesson in patients? I’m sorry, but this is a super shitty way to learn a lesson.
So, if you know someone who is trying to conceive: I recommend just sympathizing with them. Don’t tell them that “when the time is right” it will happen. You may mean no harm, but it hurts like hell.
I had plan to write a blog of a very, very different color today. I was very close to AF and feeling emotional about my TTC process. One of the comments I keep receiving has recently gotten to me, and my plan was to write about that comment ("It will happen when the time is right." I may actually have to dedicate a blog post to that comment eventually, but in a shortened version: it hurts to hear and isn't helpful). Sometimes life throws you a curve though.
I woke up yesterday morning at 12 DPO and there is still no AF in sight. As someone who barely makes it to 10 DPO, making it to 12 (without spotting no less) is nearly unheard of. So I did what any sane person would do and peed on a stick. Then I waited. And waited. Annnnnd waited! What finally appeared?? The faintest, of faint-faint-FAINT lines.
Yes, it is true, I am pregnant again. :) I re-tested yesterday afternoon at work with a +/- test and received faint + sign. Same results after I got home from work (to show TJ). I tested with a digital this morning and it came back “Pregnant”!!! I am over the moon happy right now, and I have a much, much better feeling about this pregnancy. Merry freaking Christmas to me!! This is the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for.
I did start spotting yesterday, though it is different than the spotting which occurred with my M/C. I’m waiting to contact my doctor about it (1st appointment is currently set for January 18th). If the spotting continues, or gets worse I’ll check in to see about getting in sooner. I read a post today on a local board I post on about getting progesterone to help with the spotting and prevent another M/C. I’m considering calling next week if the spotting doesn’t stop to check on that.
I have all bets on “go” this time around and know that come late August/early September I’ll be holding a brand new squirmy baby. If you have room to spare on your prayer list throw in a prayer for me and this baby would you? Thank you, and Merry Christmas!
Bitter? Party of one? That’s me. I would like to think I’m typically a fairly upbeat, happy person. I’m the kind of person who smiles a lot. You know the kind you want to punch in the teeth because there is no God damn reason to be that happy? Yeah. That’s usually me.
Recently I’ve noticed my good mood has done a 180. I am a grump. I am easily irritated and snap at people. I have very little patients. I feel antisocial sometimes, and would rather just sit at home and read. I feel like I’m putting on a show when trying to keep up my usual happy façade. I want to yell that it’s not real. That I’m miserable. That life sucks sometimes. Because it really, really does.
Cycle 12 was another bust. All of the happy, hopeful, positive energy I put into last cycle? Wasted. I really wanted to believe I was going to be pregnant at the end of my last cycle. But I wasn’t. Now I’m feeling bitter, like there isn’t any hope left.
I guess I should be happy or proud that it took a year to bring me down and fill me with doubt. The past year I really thought every month could be “the” month. And when it wasn’t “the” month I’d shrug it off and move on without a thought. This month my thoughts are, “When should we got to an RE?” and I’m stumped as to what the right answer is. TJ wants to wait a few more cycles, and I have a feeling I’ll be resentful if we wait and end up having problems/needing assistance. Nobody wants a resentful wife.
Cycle 13 started out a lot like my failed pregnancy, and I’m telling myself that’s the reason I’m so bitter right now. I had extended spotting at the beginning of this cycle, so I took a pregnancy test. When I took the test I wasn’t anxiously waiting for the results. There was a pit in my stomach that silently was wishing it would be a no because I didn’t want to go through a repeat of the miscarriage. Thankfully the results came back negative.
So, what do you do? I’ve pulled out new tricks this cycle. Added with my B6, and OPK’s I have Mucinex and more pomegranate juice. We’ll see how it goes, but, I’m not getting my hopes up. I keep thinking to myself that it is what it is, and what it is sucks.
