It'll Happen When the Time is Right

I am going to apologize ahead of time for my super shitty attitude (and the swearing, but, I do sometimes have the mouth of a sailor).

So, it appears that the time is right to write the blog I was talking about the other day. I went in for a blood draw to check my hormone levels yesterday as the bleeding had definitely increased. A call back from the nurse puts me at 14 hCG, which really sucks. The nurse believes that the baby wasn’t able to implant, which is also what I think. In simple terms: Miscarriage: 2. Jen: 0. Isn’t that some shit?

In the words of those who, I believe, are just trying to help: The timing wasn’t right. Whatever that means. I am absolutely pissed off today. Last time I spent three solid days crying my eyes out. TJ asked me, with a very grave look on his face, if I was going to be OK. I honestly at that time didn’t know if I would be OK. This time around I don’t feel like crying. I feel like kicking someone. But, there isn’t anyone to kick or blame. Which sucks. Like I said, I’m just pissed off.

I’m going back in on Saturday for another blood draw, just to ensure my hormone levels have hit the floor again. I don’t doubt that they will. My first appointment, January 18th, has been changed to a “Why-the-hell-am-I-not-pregnant” appointment. At that point TJ and I will have been trying for 14 months.

It has now taken 13 months and I still have not achieved a viable pregnancy. Many people have told me that it will happen when the time is right. While I know they mean it to be helpful, it isn’t. Why do you think the time isn’t right for me? Why is the time right for a young teenage mother? Or a crackhead? Or a woman who doesn’t even want a baby? What is so wrong with me that the time is wrong? What is so wrong with me that I don’t deserve to have a baby at this time? I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 2 ½ years. We have owned a home with a nice backyard and two extra rooms for babies for the past 4 ½ years. I have been at my job for 6 and TJ for 7. We are stable. We make great money. We can afford a baby, and we would love that baby more than I think is humanly possible. So, tell me, why is it that the time isn’t right? Is God trying to teach me a lesson in patients? I’m sorry, but this is a super shitty way to learn a lesson.

So, if you know someone who is trying to conceive: I recommend just sympathizing with them. Don’t tell them that “when the time is right” it will happen. You may mean no harm, but it hurts like hell.