Life Goes On

For starters: I really appreciate the comments in my last post. They were unexpected, and very kind. I find myself amazed by the kindness and great support I've had through this whole ordeal. So, thank you.

If it's not one thing, it's the another. I woke up yesterday morning feeling normal, or as normal as I have been feeling the past two weeks. By yesterday afternoon my normal turned into a case of the sniffles (this time not hormone/emotion induced). Six o'clock came around last night and I would have sworn to you that my body was trying to kill me via suffocation. I cannot breath. My nose is plugged, I'm sneezy, I'm exhausted. Can't a girl catch a break?

Other than not really breathing I have been doing OK. I don't feel as emotional. My body is less sore, I'm not as tired. I haven't really cried since the nurse called me last Wednesday with my hCG results from the 23rd. Last week my hCG continued to go down, at the last blood draw it was 1139. This is good news in terms of not having to have a D&C to get rid of everything. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go in for another blood draw just to make sure the hormones have continued to go down. I am unfortunately still experiencing (TMI) bleeding. But like I said, the soreness has gone away.

I did get a little emotional yesterday. I received a "Thinking of You" card in the mail. It was hard to open. I knew what it would say. TJ's Birthday was last week, we aren't near any holidays, so it was only logical to expect it to be a sympathy card. I didn't really read it. My heart isn't that strong yet. When TJ got home from work I told him about it, and he said that he didn't let me read the card he got from my Grandma on his Birthday (the day the m/c started). In the card she wrote, "I'm praying for the baby on the way." I'm grateful that he kept that to himself, it would have caused me to break down even more.

I still haven't really talked about it with anyone but TJ. I get nervous any time we were going to be around family who knew. When we found out I was pregnant I only told my parents and little sister; TJ told his mom, dad and brother. From there though the grandparents, and some aunts/uncles were told. We went out to his dads house to ride the quads around the trails in the woods last weekend. When we got there his dad's girlfriend just hugged me for a really long time. I'm thankful she didn't say anything. I can deal with hugging. I just don't want to verbalize anything right now.

I guess I've learned that even through pain and hard times life goes on. Most days it's good, but even on the bad days I'm just thankful to have the family I have to surround me.

Roller Coaster Ride

It has been quite the crazy week and a half. Lots of ups, just as many downs, and here I am stuck in the middle again.

Last Monday I woke up and thought about how strange a cycle I have been having. I had been spotting non-stop for weeks and it was driving me crazy. Out of curiosity I decided to take a HPT just before I left the house that morning. The test came back pregnant within seconds. I rushed downstairs to grab my phone and call TJ. It was pure bliss, really. As soon as I got in to work I called the doctor’s office and told them about my spotting, and, oh yeah, we are flying out to California on Wednesday so if you could get me in before then that’d be grrrreat! The nurse called me back and said they wanted to get a blood test/ultrasound done ASAP, so I left work a little early and toddled down to the hospital to give blood. Five vials of blood. Not my idea of a fun night.

The ultrasound tech said they thought, oh yes, maybe right here, that could be a baby. Again with the bliss. I was told the nurse would call me the next day with the results. So Tuesday I sat on pins and needles willing the phone to just ring damnit! Pamela, the sweet nurse, called around 11:30. I could tell by the tone in her voice the news she was going to deliver was great. I was right! My hCG was 1633, and I was definitely pregnant. She said to stick to the kiddy rides in Disneyland and if I had any pain or if my spotting turned into real bleeding hightail it to the ER pronto. Yes ma’am.

TJ and I had a blast in Disneyland, and I didn’t even mind missing out on a few of the rides. The thrill that we were finally pregnant after nearly a year of trying for a baby made up for it.

The flight home was not fun, after landing at our layover in Oakland the pilot came on the intercom and said “I used to be a Navy pilot.” As if that was an excuse for landing and then slamming on the brakes so we were stopped within seconds. I was a little stressed, but still felt OK. By the time we reached Seattle though I was feeling a little funky. I used the bathroom in the airport and noticed the bleeding had definitely increased. I think TJ was shocked when I left the bathroom in tears. I explained to him what happened and said if it continued we would need to head to the ER.

We got home, let the dogs out, and I decided that it was probably a good idea to head to the hospital to get checked out. There was a lot of crying on my part, and TJ said, “You are definitely pregnant, you are so hormonal.” But I just knew that something wasn’t right.

We arrived at the ER and spent a good 8 hours there. Yes, 8. Because it was pregnancy related the ER doc had to perform an exam on me, let me just say that ER doctors are not OB/GYN’s for a reason. Youch! After the most painful exam of my grown adult life I donated another 4 vials of blood. It took a try in my right hand, my left arm, a poke in the side of my right arm (?) and then finally (FINNNNNALLY!) a sweet nurse came in and took over and put the IV in my right arm. IV you ask? Well, they were worried that I may require surgery so it was best to be prepared.

We went long periods of time without hearing from anyone, two hours after the exam someone finally came in and wheeled me to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech explained everything we were seeing on the screen as he went through the ultrasound. He said, “And this is where we saw the sac last week. Nothing there.” And that was that. My hCG levels had increased to 2500, but it wasn’t enough so they knew something wasn’t right.

On Monday (TJ's 26th Birthday, poor guy) the actual miscarriage began, and has continued on through today. There has been pain, cramping, and a lot of tears. Last Monday I was at the highest high, and then Saturday I hit the bottom. TJ has been the best support I could have asked for, especially since I haven’t felt like talking about it with anyone. I made him talk to my mom and sister when they called because I wasn’t up to it. I really have been amazed at what powerful emotions I've been feeling after only knowing for six days that we were going to have a baby.

At my follow up blood draw on Monday my hCG went down to 2255. She said that since it is still elevated I'd need to come in again for another blood draw today. This morning before work I swung by the hospital, gave another vial of blood and have yet to hear the results. I am praying the hormones continue their downward spiral because she said I'd need a D&C if everything doesn't vacate my system on its own.

The silver lining of it all is that we know we can get pregnant now at least. Here’s hoping the next time around the cart doesn't go off the track!