Bitter Party of One

Bitter? Party of one? That’s me. I would like to think I’m typically a fairly upbeat, happy person. I’m the kind of person who smiles a lot. You know the kind you want to punch in the teeth because there is no God damn reason to be that happy? Yeah. That’s usually me.

Recently I’ve noticed my good mood has done a 180. I am a grump. I am easily irritated and snap at people. I have very little patients. I feel antisocial sometimes, and would rather just sit at home and read. I feel like I’m putting on a show when trying to keep up my usual happy façade. I want to yell that it’s not real. That I’m miserable. That life sucks sometimes. Because it really, really does.

Cycle 12 was another bust. All of the happy, hopeful, positive energy I put into last cycle? Wasted. I really wanted to believe I was going to be pregnant at the end of my last cycle. But I wasn’t. Now I’m feeling bitter, like there isn’t any hope left.

I guess I should be happy or proud that it took a year to bring me down and fill me with doubt. The past year I really thought every month could be “the” month. And when it wasn’t “the” month I’d shrug it off and move on without a thought. This month my thoughts are, “When should we got to an RE?” and I’m stumped as to what the right answer is. TJ wants to wait a few more cycles, and I have a feeling I’ll be resentful if we wait and end up having problems/needing assistance. Nobody wants a resentful wife.

Cycle 13 started out a lot like my failed pregnancy, and I’m telling myself that’s the reason I’m so bitter right now. I had extended spotting at the beginning of this cycle, so I took a pregnancy test. When I took the test I wasn’t anxiously waiting for the results. There was a pit in my stomach that silently was wishing it would be a no because I didn’t want to go through a repeat of the miscarriage. Thankfully the results came back negative.

So, what do you do? I’ve pulled out new tricks this cycle. Added with my B6, and OPK’s I have Mucinex and more pomegranate juice. We’ll see how it goes, but, I’m not getting my hopes up. I keep thinking to myself that it is what it is, and what it is sucks.