It'll Happen When the Time is Right

I am going to apologize ahead of time for my super shitty attitude (and the swearing, but, I do sometimes have the mouth of a sailor).

So, it appears that the time is right to write the blog I was talking about the other day. I went in for a blood draw to check my hormone levels yesterday as the bleeding had definitely increased. A call back from the nurse puts me at 14 hCG, which really sucks. The nurse believes that the baby wasn’t able to implant, which is also what I think. In simple terms: Miscarriage: 2. Jen: 0. Isn’t that some shit?

In the words of those who, I believe, are just trying to help: The timing wasn’t right. Whatever that means. I am absolutely pissed off today. Last time I spent three solid days crying my eyes out. TJ asked me, with a very grave look on his face, if I was going to be OK. I honestly at that time didn’t know if I would be OK. This time around I don’t feel like crying. I feel like kicking someone. But, there isn’t anyone to kick or blame. Which sucks. Like I said, I’m just pissed off.

I’m going back in on Saturday for another blood draw, just to ensure my hormone levels have hit the floor again. I don’t doubt that they will. My first appointment, January 18th, has been changed to a “Why-the-hell-am-I-not-pregnant” appointment. At that point TJ and I will have been trying for 14 months.

It has now taken 13 months and I still have not achieved a viable pregnancy. Many people have told me that it will happen when the time is right. While I know they mean it to be helpful, it isn’t. Why do you think the time isn’t right for me? Why is the time right for a young teenage mother? Or a crackhead? Or a woman who doesn’t even want a baby? What is so wrong with me that the time is wrong? What is so wrong with me that I don’t deserve to have a baby at this time? I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 2 ½ years. We have owned a home with a nice backyard and two extra rooms for babies for the past 4 ½ years. I have been at my job for 6 and TJ for 7. We are stable. We make great money. We can afford a baby, and we would love that baby more than I think is humanly possible. So, tell me, why is it that the time isn’t right? Is God trying to teach me a lesson in patients? I’m sorry, but this is a super shitty way to learn a lesson.

So, if you know someone who is trying to conceive: I recommend just sympathizing with them. Don’t tell them that “when the time is right” it will happen. You may mean no harm, but it hurts like hell.

A Christmas Miracle

I had plan to write a blog of a very, very different color today. I was very close to AF and feeling emotional about my TTC process. One of the comments I keep receiving has recently gotten to me, and my plan was to write about that comment ("It will happen when the time is right." I may actually have to dedicate a blog post to that comment eventually, but in a shortened version: it hurts to hear and isn't helpful). Sometimes life throws you a curve though.

I woke up yesterday morning at 12 DPO and there is still no AF in sight. As someone who barely makes it to 10 DPO, making it to 12 (without spotting no less) is nearly unheard of. So I did what any sane person would do and peed on a stick. Then I waited. And waited. Annnnnd waited! What finally appeared?? The faintest, of faint-faint-FAINT lines.

Yes, it is true, I am pregnant again. :) I re-tested yesterday afternoon at work with a +/- test and received faint + sign. Same results after I got home from work (to show TJ). I tested with a digital this morning and it came back “Pregnant”!!! I am over the moon happy right now, and I have a much, much better feeling about this pregnancy. Merry freaking Christmas to me!! This is the best Christmas present I could have ever asked for.

I did start spotting yesterday, though it is different than the spotting which occurred with my M/C. I’m waiting to contact my doctor about it (1st appointment is currently set for January 18th). If the spotting continues, or gets worse I’ll check in to see about getting in sooner. I read a post today on a local board I post on about getting progesterone to help with the spotting and prevent another M/C. I’m considering calling next week if the spotting doesn’t stop to check on that.

I have all bets on “go” this time around and know that come late August/early September I’ll be holding a brand new squirmy baby. If you have room to spare on your prayer list throw in a prayer for me and this baby would you? Thank you, and Merry Christmas!

Bitter Party of One

Bitter? Party of one? That’s me. I would like to think I’m typically a fairly upbeat, happy person. I’m the kind of person who smiles a lot. You know the kind you want to punch in the teeth because there is no God damn reason to be that happy? Yeah. That’s usually me.

Recently I’ve noticed my good mood has done a 180. I am a grump. I am easily irritated and snap at people. I have very little patients. I feel antisocial sometimes, and would rather just sit at home and read. I feel like I’m putting on a show when trying to keep up my usual happy façade. I want to yell that it’s not real. That I’m miserable. That life sucks sometimes. Because it really, really does.

Cycle 12 was another bust. All of the happy, hopeful, positive energy I put into last cycle? Wasted. I really wanted to believe I was going to be pregnant at the end of my last cycle. But I wasn’t. Now I’m feeling bitter, like there isn’t any hope left.

I guess I should be happy or proud that it took a year to bring me down and fill me with doubt. The past year I really thought every month could be “the” month. And when it wasn’t “the” month I’d shrug it off and move on without a thought. This month my thoughts are, “When should we got to an RE?” and I’m stumped as to what the right answer is. TJ wants to wait a few more cycles, and I have a feeling I’ll be resentful if we wait and end up having problems/needing assistance. Nobody wants a resentful wife.

Cycle 13 started out a lot like my failed pregnancy, and I’m telling myself that’s the reason I’m so bitter right now. I had extended spotting at the beginning of this cycle, so I took a pregnancy test. When I took the test I wasn’t anxiously waiting for the results. There was a pit in my stomach that silently was wishing it would be a no because I didn’t want to go through a repeat of the miscarriage. Thankfully the results came back negative.

So, what do you do? I’ve pulled out new tricks this cycle. Added with my B6, and OPK’s I have Mucinex and more pomegranate juice. We’ll see how it goes, but, I’m not getting my hopes up. I keep thinking to myself that it is what it is, and what it is sucks.

Sweet November

It's November. I am having a hard time with this. November. Crisp air, fallen leaves, the month we started TTC. Here I am a year later with no baby. I'm not pregnant (anymore). What in hell did I do all year? Where did the time go?

TJ and I were on our way to the grocery store after work on Monday night to restock our fridge/freezer (more on that later). I looked over at him, bat my eyelashes and said, "I'm going to get pregnant this cycle. We're going to have a baby this summer." He laughed, tried to decided if I was serious or crazy, and then thanked me for letting him know (I think he settled for crazy). I'm approaching cycle 12 with a positive attitude. But still, it's cycle 12, UGH! I wish I could see the future sometimes. I wish I could say for certain when I'll get pregnant again. I wish I could tell for sure-sure that the next time around it would be a sticky baby. All the unknowns are really pissing me off. I want to be in control damn it.


In non-baby related news, our fridge broke last week. TJ and I both gave it a good kick and headed to Home Depot. Once there we realized that all of the refrigerators of a normal size are 33ish inches deep. The moron who built our house left room for 30 inches max for our fridge. Any deeper and we'd be unable to open the door to our laundry room (and thus unable to get into the garage). We found we'd need to custom order a new fridge, a tune of $1,600 for a crappy basic model fridge. I want a fridge with at least the freaking water/ice in the door, I'd prefer a bottom freezer, but french doors would be OK too. I'm a woman with needs!

We didn't buy a new fridge, thankfully I married a fairly handy dude. The next day TJ got into the back of the fridge to investigate and discovered what he believed to be the issue. He has his license to work on refrigeration, but just because someone has a license doesn't mean they should drive. ::Eyeing old lady who almost ran me down on the freeway this morning:: So he called a buddy over who actually works on refrigeration related things, said buddy confirmed that it was indeed said part, and $60 later we have a working fridge again.

My crystal ball tells me that the fridge thing worked out and so will the baby thing. Only time will tell!

Ode to AF

In honor of cycle day 1, I am writing:

Ode to Aunt Flo

As written by JenMcGx3

For some girls you come without warning,
You show up and ruin their day.
For some girls you call ahead first,
And send your dog "Spot" for a stay.

For some girls you stay away too long,
They pray your arrival comes quick.
Though some girls wish you'd stay far away,
The sight of you just makes them sick.

You bring along your bag of tricks,
The cramping, the backaches, the bloat.
You really are an annoying bitch,
All I want is my zygote.

Aunt Flo I must tell you you're driving me mad,
My dreams are in pink and blue.
I'm packing your bags and pray that next month
I'll be bidding farewell to you!

All Systems Go

Good news! Great news! The BEST news! My doctors appointment yesterday went very well. My hCG from last week was at 9. Woo-woo, single digits! My doctor said everything seems to have taken care of itself, but they want me to do just one more blood draw. I go back to the clinic on Friday, and as long as the number is under 5 I'm good to go! No more blood draws/human pin cushion!

The best part of my appointment was when I got the thumbs up from my doctor to start trying again after my next period. He said it wouldn't be bad to get pregnant right now, and I probably could, but if I waited until after my next cycle starts they could be sure everything left over in my system was out. So, we are at all systems GOOOOOO!

I felt a little silly having an appointment with my doctor. I waited in the waiting room longer than I sat in the exam room. Literally. They called me back, took my blood pressure and didn't even have me get dress up in one of the fancy/sexy hospital gowns. I sat there for a minute, the doctor came in, told me my beta hCG results from the week before. Answered a few of my questions and that was it. In and out in under 10 minutes. I think a phone call with the nurse would have been enough, but, who doesn't like a rousing trip to the doctors on your day off? Luckily it was late enough in the morning that I didn't have to sit in traffic.

The bills for the hospital are starting to come in. So far we are up to about $350 in bills for my ER stint, and one or two of the blood draws. Luckily my out of pocket deductible is $500 a year, I think. So looking on the bright side, we are almost there! ;)

The emotional side of things have been very good for me, and physically I feel 100% back to normal. I am able to sort of talk about things if people (ie: family members who knew) ask how I am doing, or why in the world I'm going to get more blood drawn, do I even have any left? A cashier at work asked if I had any "news" for her. She knows we are TTC, and every so often she'll ask how things are going. I was able to say that I was pregnant but lost the baby in September. There weren't any tears or anything. Things are looking up!

The Proof

I've been having a decent week. Some days are better than others. Most days are fine. It's the hormones that really get to me. One of the dogs got into the garbage in our bathroom on Wednesday. When I told TJ about it he made a comment which made me cry. I was mad at him all night. To tell the truth, even I'm not sure why I was so upset with him about it. Poor guy.

<-----This is the picture I took the morning I got the BFP. I've been sort of feeling gloomy about the whole thing every now and then. I look at the picture and think: well, that's the only thing I have left now to show I was pregnant. How lame/sad/depressing. I know. Some days I'll look at it and think good things like: well, at least we were able to get pregnant! I wish I was that positive all the time. I'm working on it.

I went in on the 1st of October for another blood draw. My hCG was down to 181. I'm going in again tonight after work to "give blood", as I like to call it. My first appointment with the doctor is on Monday. I will not cry at the doctors office. I will not cry at the doctors office. I felt pretty bad for crumbling on the phone with the nurse, Pamela, the other week. My hope is that I wont have a repeat with the doctor.

It's sort of strange. Some days it feels like this happened in some sort of distant far away past. I can't believe it has only been 3 weeks. That is all? It feels like forever.

I'm praying a lot lately. I'm praying that my hCG will have gone back to zero. I'm praying that my doctors appointment on Monday goes well. I'm praying we can get the green light and give this baby thing another shot. I'm praying that next time around things will not end badly. I'm just praying.