Bitter Party of One

Bitter? Party of one? That’s me. I would like to think I’m typically a fairly upbeat, happy person. I’m the kind of person who smiles a lot. You know the kind you want to punch in the teeth because there is no God damn reason to be that happy? Yeah. That’s usually me.

Recently I’ve noticed my good mood has done a 180. I am a grump. I am easily irritated and snap at people. I have very little patients. I feel antisocial sometimes, and would rather just sit at home and read. I feel like I’m putting on a show when trying to keep up my usual happy façade. I want to yell that it’s not real. That I’m miserable. That life sucks sometimes. Because it really, really does.

Cycle 12 was another bust. All of the happy, hopeful, positive energy I put into last cycle? Wasted. I really wanted to believe I was going to be pregnant at the end of my last cycle. But I wasn’t. Now I’m feeling bitter, like there isn’t any hope left.

I guess I should be happy or proud that it took a year to bring me down and fill me with doubt. The past year I really thought every month could be “the” month. And when it wasn’t “the” month I’d shrug it off and move on without a thought. This month my thoughts are, “When should we got to an RE?” and I’m stumped as to what the right answer is. TJ wants to wait a few more cycles, and I have a feeling I’ll be resentful if we wait and end up having problems/needing assistance. Nobody wants a resentful wife.

Cycle 13 started out a lot like my failed pregnancy, and I’m telling myself that’s the reason I’m so bitter right now. I had extended spotting at the beginning of this cycle, so I took a pregnancy test. When I took the test I wasn’t anxiously waiting for the results. There was a pit in my stomach that silently was wishing it would be a no because I didn’t want to go through a repeat of the miscarriage. Thankfully the results came back negative.

So, what do you do? I’ve pulled out new tricks this cycle. Added with my B6, and OPK’s I have Mucinex and more pomegranate juice. We’ll see how it goes, but, I’m not getting my hopes up. I keep thinking to myself that it is what it is, and what it is sucks.

Sweet November

It's November. I am having a hard time with this. November. Crisp air, fallen leaves, the month we started TTC. Here I am a year later with no baby. I'm not pregnant (anymore). What in hell did I do all year? Where did the time go?

TJ and I were on our way to the grocery store after work on Monday night to restock our fridge/freezer (more on that later). I looked over at him, bat my eyelashes and said, "I'm going to get pregnant this cycle. We're going to have a baby this summer." He laughed, tried to decided if I was serious or crazy, and then thanked me for letting him know (I think he settled for crazy). I'm approaching cycle 12 with a positive attitude. But still, it's cycle 12, UGH! I wish I could see the future sometimes. I wish I could say for certain when I'll get pregnant again. I wish I could tell for sure-sure that the next time around it would be a sticky baby. All the unknowns are really pissing me off. I want to be in control damn it.


In non-baby related news, our fridge broke last week. TJ and I both gave it a good kick and headed to Home Depot. Once there we realized that all of the refrigerators of a normal size are 33ish inches deep. The moron who built our house left room for 30 inches max for our fridge. Any deeper and we'd be unable to open the door to our laundry room (and thus unable to get into the garage). We found we'd need to custom order a new fridge, a tune of $1,600 for a crappy basic model fridge. I want a fridge with at least the freaking water/ice in the door, I'd prefer a bottom freezer, but french doors would be OK too. I'm a woman with needs!

We didn't buy a new fridge, thankfully I married a fairly handy dude. The next day TJ got into the back of the fridge to investigate and discovered what he believed to be the issue. He has his license to work on refrigeration, but just because someone has a license doesn't mean they should drive. ::Eyeing old lady who almost ran me down on the freeway this morning:: So he called a buddy over who actually works on refrigeration related things, said buddy confirmed that it was indeed said part, and $60 later we have a working fridge again.

My crystal ball tells me that the fridge thing worked out and so will the baby thing. Only time will tell!

Ode to AF

In honor of cycle day 1, I am writing:

Ode to Aunt Flo

As written by JenMcGx3

For some girls you come without warning,
You show up and ruin their day.
For some girls you call ahead first,
And send your dog "Spot" for a stay.

For some girls you stay away too long,
They pray your arrival comes quick.
Though some girls wish you'd stay far away,
The sight of you just makes them sick.

You bring along your bag of tricks,
The cramping, the backaches, the bloat.
You really are an annoying bitch,
All I want is my zygote.

Aunt Flo I must tell you you're driving me mad,
My dreams are in pink and blue.
I'm packing your bags and pray that next month
I'll be bidding farewell to you!

All Systems Go

Good news! Great news! The BEST news! My doctors appointment yesterday went very well. My hCG from last week was at 9. Woo-woo, single digits! My doctor said everything seems to have taken care of itself, but they want me to do just one more blood draw. I go back to the clinic on Friday, and as long as the number is under 5 I'm good to go! No more blood draws/human pin cushion!

The best part of my appointment was when I got the thumbs up from my doctor to start trying again after my next period. He said it wouldn't be bad to get pregnant right now, and I probably could, but if I waited until after my next cycle starts they could be sure everything left over in my system was out. So, we are at all systems GOOOOOO!

I felt a little silly having an appointment with my doctor. I waited in the waiting room longer than I sat in the exam room. Literally. They called me back, took my blood pressure and didn't even have me get dress up in one of the fancy/sexy hospital gowns. I sat there for a minute, the doctor came in, told me my beta hCG results from the week before. Answered a few of my questions and that was it. In and out in under 10 minutes. I think a phone call with the nurse would have been enough, but, who doesn't like a rousing trip to the doctors on your day off? Luckily it was late enough in the morning that I didn't have to sit in traffic.

The bills for the hospital are starting to come in. So far we are up to about $350 in bills for my ER stint, and one or two of the blood draws. Luckily my out of pocket deductible is $500 a year, I think. So looking on the bright side, we are almost there! ;)

The emotional side of things have been very good for me, and physically I feel 100% back to normal. I am able to sort of talk about things if people (ie: family members who knew) ask how I am doing, or why in the world I'm going to get more blood drawn, do I even have any left? A cashier at work asked if I had any "news" for her. She knows we are TTC, and every so often she'll ask how things are going. I was able to say that I was pregnant but lost the baby in September. There weren't any tears or anything. Things are looking up!

The Proof

I've been having a decent week. Some days are better than others. Most days are fine. It's the hormones that really get to me. One of the dogs got into the garbage in our bathroom on Wednesday. When I told TJ about it he made a comment which made me cry. I was mad at him all night. To tell the truth, even I'm not sure why I was so upset with him about it. Poor guy.

<-----This is the picture I took the morning I got the BFP. I've been sort of feeling gloomy about the whole thing every now and then. I look at the picture and think: well, that's the only thing I have left now to show I was pregnant. How lame/sad/depressing. I know. Some days I'll look at it and think good things like: well, at least we were able to get pregnant! I wish I was that positive all the time. I'm working on it.

I went in on the 1st of October for another blood draw. My hCG was down to 181. I'm going in again tonight after work to "give blood", as I like to call it. My first appointment with the doctor is on Monday. I will not cry at the doctors office. I will not cry at the doctors office. I felt pretty bad for crumbling on the phone with the nurse, Pamela, the other week. My hope is that I wont have a repeat with the doctor.

It's sort of strange. Some days it feels like this happened in some sort of distant far away past. I can't believe it has only been 3 weeks. That is all? It feels like forever.

I'm praying a lot lately. I'm praying that my hCG will have gone back to zero. I'm praying that my doctors appointment on Monday goes well. I'm praying we can get the green light and give this baby thing another shot. I'm praying that next time around things will not end badly. I'm just praying.

Life Goes On

For starters: I really appreciate the comments in my last post. They were unexpected, and very kind. I find myself amazed by the kindness and great support I've had through this whole ordeal. So, thank you.

If it's not one thing, it's the another. I woke up yesterday morning feeling normal, or as normal as I have been feeling the past two weeks. By yesterday afternoon my normal turned into a case of the sniffles (this time not hormone/emotion induced). Six o'clock came around last night and I would have sworn to you that my body was trying to kill me via suffocation. I cannot breath. My nose is plugged, I'm sneezy, I'm exhausted. Can't a girl catch a break?

Other than not really breathing I have been doing OK. I don't feel as emotional. My body is less sore, I'm not as tired. I haven't really cried since the nurse called me last Wednesday with my hCG results from the 23rd. Last week my hCG continued to go down, at the last blood draw it was 1139. This is good news in terms of not having to have a D&C to get rid of everything. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go in for another blood draw just to make sure the hormones have continued to go down. I am unfortunately still experiencing (TMI) bleeding. But like I said, the soreness has gone away.

I did get a little emotional yesterday. I received a "Thinking of You" card in the mail. It was hard to open. I knew what it would say. TJ's Birthday was last week, we aren't near any holidays, so it was only logical to expect it to be a sympathy card. I didn't really read it. My heart isn't that strong yet. When TJ got home from work I told him about it, and he said that he didn't let me read the card he got from my Grandma on his Birthday (the day the m/c started). In the card she wrote, "I'm praying for the baby on the way." I'm grateful that he kept that to himself, it would have caused me to break down even more.

I still haven't really talked about it with anyone but TJ. I get nervous any time we were going to be around family who knew. When we found out I was pregnant I only told my parents and little sister; TJ told his mom, dad and brother. From there though the grandparents, and some aunts/uncles were told. We went out to his dads house to ride the quads around the trails in the woods last weekend. When we got there his dad's girlfriend just hugged me for a really long time. I'm thankful she didn't say anything. I can deal with hugging. I just don't want to verbalize anything right now.

I guess I've learned that even through pain and hard times life goes on. Most days it's good, but even on the bad days I'm just thankful to have the family I have to surround me.

Roller Coaster Ride

It has been quite the crazy week and a half. Lots of ups, just as many downs, and here I am stuck in the middle again.

Last Monday I woke up and thought about how strange a cycle I have been having. I had been spotting non-stop for weeks and it was driving me crazy. Out of curiosity I decided to take a HPT just before I left the house that morning. The test came back pregnant within seconds. I rushed downstairs to grab my phone and call TJ. It was pure bliss, really. As soon as I got in to work I called the doctor’s office and told them about my spotting, and, oh yeah, we are flying out to California on Wednesday so if you could get me in before then that’d be grrrreat! The nurse called me back and said they wanted to get a blood test/ultrasound done ASAP, so I left work a little early and toddled down to the hospital to give blood. Five vials of blood. Not my idea of a fun night.

The ultrasound tech said they thought, oh yes, maybe right here, that could be a baby. Again with the bliss. I was told the nurse would call me the next day with the results. So Tuesday I sat on pins and needles willing the phone to just ring damnit! Pamela, the sweet nurse, called around 11:30. I could tell by the tone in her voice the news she was going to deliver was great. I was right! My hCG was 1633, and I was definitely pregnant. She said to stick to the kiddy rides in Disneyland and if I had any pain or if my spotting turned into real bleeding hightail it to the ER pronto. Yes ma’am.

TJ and I had a blast in Disneyland, and I didn’t even mind missing out on a few of the rides. The thrill that we were finally pregnant after nearly a year of trying for a baby made up for it.

The flight home was not fun, after landing at our layover in Oakland the pilot came on the intercom and said “I used to be a Navy pilot.” As if that was an excuse for landing and then slamming on the brakes so we were stopped within seconds. I was a little stressed, but still felt OK. By the time we reached Seattle though I was feeling a little funky. I used the bathroom in the airport and noticed the bleeding had definitely increased. I think TJ was shocked when I left the bathroom in tears. I explained to him what happened and said if it continued we would need to head to the ER.

We got home, let the dogs out, and I decided that it was probably a good idea to head to the hospital to get checked out. There was a lot of crying on my part, and TJ said, “You are definitely pregnant, you are so hormonal.” But I just knew that something wasn’t right.

We arrived at the ER and spent a good 8 hours there. Yes, 8. Because it was pregnancy related the ER doc had to perform an exam on me, let me just say that ER doctors are not OB/GYN’s for a reason. Youch! After the most painful exam of my grown adult life I donated another 4 vials of blood. It took a try in my right hand, my left arm, a poke in the side of my right arm (?) and then finally (FINNNNNALLY!) a sweet nurse came in and took over and put the IV in my right arm. IV you ask? Well, they were worried that I may require surgery so it was best to be prepared.

We went long periods of time without hearing from anyone, two hours after the exam someone finally came in and wheeled me to the ultrasound room. The ultrasound tech explained everything we were seeing on the screen as he went through the ultrasound. He said, “And this is where we saw the sac last week. Nothing there.” And that was that. My hCG levels had increased to 2500, but it wasn’t enough so they knew something wasn’t right.

On Monday (TJ's 26th Birthday, poor guy) the actual miscarriage began, and has continued on through today. There has been pain, cramping, and a lot of tears. Last Monday I was at the highest high, and then Saturday I hit the bottom. TJ has been the best support I could have asked for, especially since I haven’t felt like talking about it with anyone. I made him talk to my mom and sister when they called because I wasn’t up to it. I really have been amazed at what powerful emotions I've been feeling after only knowing for six days that we were going to have a baby.

At my follow up blood draw on Monday my hCG went down to 2255. She said that since it is still elevated I'd need to come in again for another blood draw today. This morning before work I swung by the hospital, gave another vial of blood and have yet to hear the results. I am praying the hormones continue their downward spiral because she said I'd need a D&C if everything doesn't vacate my system on its own.

The silver lining of it all is that we know we can get pregnant now at least. Here’s hoping the next time around the cart doesn't go off the track!